i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
