Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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