tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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