I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
