he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
