Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
