I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize