How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
