eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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