whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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