Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
