Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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