If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
