Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
