was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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