i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
