the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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