But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Randomize
