got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
