she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
