a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize