Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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