i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
