There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
