My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
