even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize