somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
