She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
