i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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