his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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