Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
