9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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