I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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