party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
