I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
