My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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