My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
