From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
