Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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