smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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