Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
