i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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