I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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