it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize