I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
