I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
