the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
