I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
