I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
