I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
