The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
So. Much. Porn.
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