I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
