I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
