Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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