good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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