My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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