He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
