After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
