This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
