it wasn't lemon gatorade
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
How external is "for external use only"?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
