I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
